OK, just thought of being accountable for my actions, and with the help of you people, get back on track. Hope I don't make it longer than necessary, considering I have the tendency to talk too fast and too much. Please do read this post, so you know what I'm talking about when I/you post here: http://gamerwidow.com/phpbb/viewtopic.php?f=12&t=44459
I'm GMT +05:30 in Mumbai India, so I'll be putting my time and dates. Today's 25 May...OK, so, on 23, I am gaming like an ass, but still do a bit of my work and exercise, so good enough. Like always, I never feel good about my life and am depressed. I went out like usual for my evening walk, walking at top speed and daydreaming (I suffer from MD, check my introduction). I come to the flyover, where there's a nice good view over the railway tracks. It's an open area on the south side, but civilization on the north. I always stand on the south side of the flyover (it runs east-west) and enjoy the cool air of the night and the big, open, free view.
I'm standing there, listening to music, enjoying a bit. As I mentioned before (intro), AMNeSia is a compressed form of my real name, so I pretty much prefer that being my identity. But, in my mind, there are 3 entities: The current me, the past me, and the ideal me. Ideal as in what I want to be. For me, AMNeSia is the ideal me, so you can say I'm actually striving to be AMNeSia instead of be what I am currently. AMNeSia is the person I want to be...with the proper morals, proper schedule...and proper life. (sigh)
So, since I am not able to control my mind, I think from different perspectives, that MAYBE my mind would actually fix on one and change. Some weeks ago, I tried thinking, "What would AMNeSia do at this time and in the situation?". So, technically, that provides me a perspective where I think in the way the ideal me would and change myself. That didn't work, so I let off it for a while, considering nothing ever works for me more than 24 hours tops.
So, back to the flyover. I'm standing there, thinking what would AMNeSia do and think if he was there. Thinking that made me feel better. Being someone who's NOT me, but who's someone I want to be made me feel better. Felt happier, even if day had gone crap and I didn't do one damn thing. I came home , let off the bloody day-dreaming and actually did my work faster than when I usually do.
Next day, that is yesterday, on 24 May, I woke up 02:40 (my schedule, I know it sounds crazy, but it becomes a bit of a necessity in a complex way), but fell asleep and woke up at 07:00. My mind made me feel like crap, like always, but I soon remembered what would AMNeSia do and got up. Whole day, I did my work perfectly. Did my exercise, put the pickles in the sun (to get them dry), washed my clothes, got off the PC actually and when I played, I was enjoying the playing instead of doing it like a compulsion. I actually did all my work happily choosing it over the PC. Didn't even look at the PC when I didn't want to.
Then comes evening. I ended up making extra tea by mistake considering I'm bad at approximating measurements. Mom was taking an afternoon nap, so I had prepared the tea, just needed to boil. She wakes up, tells me I made too much tea, which ends up sucking out all the happiness I had. I mean, I make tea for us both, a bit extra by mistake, and she makes a face as if I committed a crime. She didn't mean any offence, and she'd just gotten up from her sleep, but come on, I make tea everyday and make it properly. One day, I end up making a bit extra by mistake and she's telling me that I should be more careful. She wasn't angry or anything, but she got slightly irritated.
This results from the bullying in school and people berating me for no bloody reason. Most of the time, I talk something, they tell me I'm boring, or what I say is ridiculous and make fun of me and/or berate me. I've had people call me 'boring' as the most, followed by a volley of insults, ranging from 'idiot' to 'stop being a bitch'. I mean...agreed, that my mind either fixates on one thing not letting it go, or never lets me focus on one thing when I want to. But why do people always find my speech and me this much despicable?
My mind caught on the 'they don't like you because you're despicable for them' thing. Now, when I detect even the slightest bit of irritation in others' voice, I get angry and sad that they got offended by me and find me despicable. I know most of the time it's not that way, and if someone feels that way, I shouldn't give a shit. Of course, I don't need someone's certification to tell me what I am, and like me, everyone has the right to be angry, but since my mind fixated on this and I can't control it, I get sad about 'offending' someone pretty instantly.
So, that wrenched out all the happiness. Considering my parents have never supported me to freely express myself, what little genuine happiness I actually had extinguished. I decided to shut my emotions up again, but then thought, "Why should I give a shit about them? Why sacrifice my happiness for them?" I went out for my walk, but even after thinking positive, I couldn't be any happier. That same thing kept ending up in front of my eyes, that I'm despicable to others.
My mind saw this opportunity and I start dreaming again. Dreaming as in situations playing out before my eyes as if they were real even if they can't happen. I am striving to be positive about it, but doesn't work. I come home, finish my work and so on and thinking about another situation when trying to fall asleep.
Eventually, I fell asleep, and woke up at 02:40. Was slightly glad that I could wake up at my desired time, but no matter what I did, I just felt down. I went for my 2 hour walk at 04:00 and still not feeling happy. For 2 hours, I struggle: enjoying music, preventing day-dreaming and being happy. When i came back up at 06:00, I fell back to gaming, did that for 2 hours and wasted my time. I should have gone for a bath, mopped the floors and exercised. Instead, I sat gaming, mom, like always, mopped the floors and I'm just sitting here, stoic, feeling nothing except being down in the gutter.
At 08:00, I went for a bath out of desperation of not wanting to shit in my pants. It's not that I hate having a bath, but I normally prioritize the PC (again, read intro). After bath and so on, here I am at 10:18, writing this since the last 20 minutes or so. IDK why I don't feel happy. Ever since I woke up, I've been thinking about things which make me feel better instead of worse and all I'm feeling actually is worse for the wear.
I don't know what to do. I'll exercise out of a necessity instead of happily choosing to. I'll do my work out of a necessity than a choice. Whatever I do right now ends up being a necessity than a choice. Why do I feel sad for something which doesn't matter? Why won't my mind just move on from one point? I'm feeling sad, more than anything, and it just seems out of control for me. I have been striving since morning, for the past 7 hours and I feel like I can't move myself to the better part of things. Want to, but just can't.
I don't know how much more can I take of this depression. One of these days, i'm going to explode because of all this. My situation is as such, if said in a sentence. We're made of 4 things, called the mind (logic), body, heart (emotions) and soul (the I, me, you, him/her or any persona). My situation: Mind and heart playing a tug-of-war, body's out of shape for anything and soul is unheard completely. I'm so getting sick of this tug-of-war. Ultimately, I'm getting ground to nothing between the grinders of emotion and logic, don't know HOW to escape and CAN'T LIVE MY FUCKING LIFE FOR ONCE!!!
OK, anger aside, help needed please. Will post more as the days go by. Hope I don't get boring here too, considering I type too much (Gah, the despicable thing again)...
"Everything is relative and situational...all depends on your choices" - EiRaSAdoyC.