AMNeSia's Diary...is it OK to make it?

This forum is for those of you who are in the middle of or have successfuly beat the addiction. Whether your addiction was gaming, smoking, eating, etc. you are welcome to use this forum to help you get through it or share your story of how you got through it!

Moderators: Psykiblue, Tawnee, Neglected

AMNeSia's Diary...is it OK to make it?

Postby AMNeSia on Fri May 24, 2013 11:59 pm

OK, just thought of being accountable for my actions, and with the help of you people, get back on track. Hope I don't make it longer than necessary, considering I have the tendency to talk too fast and too much. Please do read this post, so you know what I'm talking about when I/you post here: http://gamerwidow.com/phpbb/viewtopic.php?f=12&t=44459

I'm GMT +05:30 in Mumbai India, so I'll be putting my time and dates. Today's 25 May...OK, so, on 23, I am gaming like an ass, but still do a bit of my work and exercise, so good enough. Like always, I never feel good about my life and am depressed. I went out like usual for my evening walk, walking at top speed and daydreaming (I suffer from MD, check my introduction). I come to the flyover, where there's a nice good view over the railway tracks. It's an open area on the south side, but civilization on the north. I always stand on the south side of the flyover (it runs east-west) and enjoy the cool air of the night and the big, open, free view.

I'm standing there, listening to music, enjoying a bit. As I mentioned before (intro), AMNeSia is a compressed form of my real name, so I pretty much prefer that being my identity. But, in my mind, there are 3 entities: The current me, the past me, and the ideal me. Ideal as in what I want to be. For me, AMNeSia is the ideal me, so you can say I'm actually striving to be AMNeSia instead of be what I am currently. AMNeSia is the person I want to be...with the proper morals, proper schedule...and proper life. (sigh)

So, since I am not able to control my mind, I think from different perspectives, that MAYBE my mind would actually fix on one and change. Some weeks ago, I tried thinking, "What would AMNeSia do at this time and in the situation?". So, technically, that provides me a perspective where I think in the way the ideal me would and change myself. That didn't work, so I let off it for a while, considering nothing ever works for me more than 24 hours tops.

So, back to the flyover. I'm standing there, thinking what would AMNeSia do and think if he was there. Thinking that made me feel better. Being someone who's NOT me, but who's someone I want to be made me feel better. Felt happier, even if day had gone crap and I didn't do one damn thing. I came home , let off the bloody day-dreaming and actually did my work faster than when I usually do.

Next day, that is yesterday, on 24 May, I woke up 02:40 (my schedule, I know it sounds crazy, but it becomes a bit of a necessity in a complex way), but fell asleep and woke up at 07:00. My mind made me feel like crap, like always, but I soon remembered what would AMNeSia do and got up. Whole day, I did my work perfectly. Did my exercise, put the pickles in the sun (to get them dry), washed my clothes, got off the PC actually and when I played, I was enjoying the playing instead of doing it like a compulsion. I actually did all my work happily choosing it over the PC. Didn't even look at the PC when I didn't want to.

Then comes evening. I ended up making extra tea by mistake considering I'm bad at approximating measurements. Mom was taking an afternoon nap, so I had prepared the tea, just needed to boil. She wakes up, tells me I made too much tea, which ends up sucking out all the happiness I had. I mean, I make tea for us both, a bit extra by mistake, and she makes a face as if I committed a crime. She didn't mean any offence, and she'd just gotten up from her sleep, but come on, I make tea everyday and make it properly. One day, I end up making a bit extra by mistake and she's telling me that I should be more careful. She wasn't angry or anything, but she got slightly irritated.

This results from the bullying in school and people berating me for no bloody reason. Most of the time, I talk something, they tell me I'm boring, or what I say is ridiculous and make fun of me and/or berate me. I've had people call me 'boring' as the most, followed by a volley of insults, ranging from 'idiot' to 'stop being a bitch'. I mean...agreed, that my mind either fixates on one thing not letting it go, or never lets me focus on one thing when I want to. But why do people always find my speech and me this much despicable?

My mind caught on the 'they don't like you because you're despicable for them' thing. Now, when I detect even the slightest bit of irritation in others' voice, I get angry and sad that they got offended by me and find me despicable. I know most of the time it's not that way, and if someone feels that way, I shouldn't give a shit. Of course, I don't need someone's certification to tell me what I am, and like me, everyone has the right to be angry, but since my mind fixated on this and I can't control it, I get sad about 'offending' someone pretty instantly.

So, that wrenched out all the happiness. Considering my parents have never supported me to freely express myself, what little genuine happiness I actually had extinguished. I decided to shut my emotions up again, but then thought, "Why should I give a shit about them? Why sacrifice my happiness for them?" I went out for my walk, but even after thinking positive, I couldn't be any happier. That same thing kept ending up in front of my eyes, that I'm despicable to others.

My mind saw this opportunity and I start dreaming again. Dreaming as in situations playing out before my eyes as if they were real even if they can't happen. I am striving to be positive about it, but doesn't work. I come home, finish my work and so on and thinking about another situation when trying to fall asleep.

Eventually, I fell asleep, and woke up at 02:40. Was slightly glad that I could wake up at my desired time, but no matter what I did, I just felt down. I went for my 2 hour walk at 04:00 and still not feeling happy. For 2 hours, I struggle: enjoying music, preventing day-dreaming and being happy. When i came back up at 06:00, I fell back to gaming, did that for 2 hours and wasted my time. I should have gone for a bath, mopped the floors and exercised. Instead, I sat gaming, mom, like always, mopped the floors and I'm just sitting here, stoic, feeling nothing except being down in the gutter.

At 08:00, I went for a bath out of desperation of not wanting to shit in my pants. It's not that I hate having a bath, but I normally prioritize the PC (again, read intro). After bath and so on, here I am at 10:18, writing this since the last 20 minutes or so. IDK why I don't feel happy. Ever since I woke up, I've been thinking about things which make me feel better instead of worse and all I'm feeling actually is worse for the wear.

I don't know what to do. I'll exercise out of a necessity instead of happily choosing to. I'll do my work out of a necessity than a choice. Whatever I do right now ends up being a necessity than a choice. Why do I feel sad for something which doesn't matter? Why won't my mind just move on from one point? I'm feeling sad, more than anything, and it just seems out of control for me. I have been striving since morning, for the past 7 hours and I feel like I can't move myself to the better part of things. Want to, but just can't.

I don't know how much more can I take of this depression. One of these days, i'm going to explode because of all this. My situation is as such, if said in a sentence. We're made of 4 things, called the mind (logic), body, heart (emotions) and soul (the I, me, you, him/her or any persona). My situation: Mind and heart playing a tug-of-war, body's out of shape for anything and soul is unheard completely. I'm so getting sick of this tug-of-war. Ultimately, I'm getting ground to nothing between the grinders of emotion and logic, don't know HOW to escape and CAN'T LIVE MY FUCKING LIFE FOR ONCE!!!

OK, anger aside, help needed please. Will post more as the days go by. Hope I don't get boring here too, considering I type too much (Gah, the despicable thing again)...
"Everything is relative and situational...all depends on your choices" - EiRaSAdoyC.
User avatar
AMNeSia
Member
 
Posts: 48
Joined: Thu May 09, 2013 8:33 pm
Location: India


Re: AMNeSia's Diary...is it OK to make it?

Postby AMNeSia on Mon May 27, 2013 5:06 am

OK...for the last 2 days, it's been crap. Not feeling good even one bit. IDK, I did all I could think of to be positive and think better, but to no avail. I also told Chunev on IRC, he helped me quite a bit. But still, yesterday was Sunday...and not just my mom, but even dad at home. Gets a nuisance. I didn't talk any much to them, nor do my work... :| :sad

Today (27 May), i thought of waking up early and doing my work...and I woke up late. Plus...turned on the PC first, wasted time there, and ultimately, did nothing. Chunev told me I should make it a routine. He's right, motivation doesn't work. Discipline always does. Now...I need to think of keeping things in my mind. I mean...right now, if I am thinking of doing my work and start it...30 seconds later, I'll be thinking of how acrobatics is a great thing, or how people in a market talk too much...just all of a sudden, I'm thinking exactly something different from what I was thinking or need to think.

So...I guess that gets a bit of a nuisance. Need to find a way for that. I try resisting my mind, it fights back stronger, I go with the flow and end up being confused about what the hell is happening. I wonder what will happen when I mix both and try...let's hope disaster not.

Ah, well...striving to change...not always, but IDK...around 30-35 % of the time, LOL. I hope I don't explode out of all this.
"Everything is relative and situational...all depends on your choices" - EiRaSAdoyC.
User avatar
AMNeSia
Member
 
Posts: 48
Joined: Thu May 09, 2013 8:33 pm
Location: India


Re: AMNeSia's Diary...is it OK to make it?

Postby AMNeSia on Thu Jun 13, 2013 12:23 am

OK...I know I didn't post for a few days, but I was doing worse than usual. Anyways, I found a website, at http://wildminds.ning.com so I could look to solving my problem...and does anyone know how I can use the URL BBCode?

So...I haven't done much except play games...also, had arguments with my mom over both parents never understanding me and giving emotional support, so I was angry. Dad's not worth talking to, mom just refuses to understand. I got frustrated, and in retaliation, I sat on the PC instead of doing the house-work. Gah, guess it all comes down to self-control, doesn't it? I've been not talking to them both for some days now, helps me get my mind off worrying about them.

Focusing on my daydreaming problem now, which turns out to be quite some work, since I am not able to focus one bit. Trying to make my mind listen to me by forcing thoughts, but IDK how much it will work.

(sigh) Well, all I can do is...well, do what I need to and hope I end up in a better shape than what I am in now.
"Everything is relative and situational...all depends on your choices" - EiRaSAdoyC.
User avatar
AMNeSia
Member
 
Posts: 48
Joined: Thu May 09, 2013 8:33 pm
Location: India


Re: AMNeSia's Diary...is it OK to make it?

Postby AMNeSia on Wed Jun 26, 2013 2:41 am

OK...another update. I know I haven't been posting, but well...so is no one else. Also got banned from Wild Minds for 'insulting the members and the site'...I don't know why people take an offence at trivial matters, but oh, well...

Anyways, as of now, I'm constantly sinking into depression. Since the some last weeks, I've struggled with myself to rid myself of addictions. Have been successful at taking my ass off the PC, though I am still addicted to paying attention to the chat and reading every damn line everyone posts, even if it's completely irrelevant. I mean, I know it doesn't matter, but I'm addicted.

Depression is resulting from me and my views on life...there are many things I think and want to live as I desire, but either I have a short-coming, or those things are impractical or I'm just plain out of motivation in pretty much all the things I wish to be. Either-ways, I'm...well, out of motivation and it keeps hurting me to the extent I don't know what the fuck is happening with or around me.

It keeps killing me...my brain keeps torturing me to the extent it gets unbearable, but I have no choice. My day-dreaming is quite in control, but my brain keeps shoving random things in my head. One moment, I'm thinking how I'm an out-dated model of a human, next moment, I'm worried that I still don't know how to make a signature...then again, I'll be thinking of how down in the dumps I am and there I am thinking of how and what should I do to change...the mix-up of thoughts makes me go crazy with the added benefit of not being able to tell anyone or even express myself.

I'm sick, I'm tired and pretty dead too. I'm all out of life. Wonder what's next...
"Everything is relative and situational...all depends on your choices" - EiRaSAdoyC.
User avatar
AMNeSia
Member
 
Posts: 48
Joined: Thu May 09, 2013 8:33 pm
Location: India


Re: AMNeSia's Diary...is it OK to make it?

Postby AMNeSia on Mon Nov 25, 2013 8:01 am

Site's back up, so glad about that. Another update...or something of the sort...LOL.

Since my last update...I haven't done anything. My day-dreaming's out of control, I am a gaming addict...again and I do practically nothing. Now...of course...I feel like whining and complaining and crying, but it won't help or anything except keep me in the same damn place, so not going to do that.

The last 3 weeks, from this update's date...I've just done nothing. Literally nothing. Complete bull-shit I've been in. Day-dreaming is always there, so is the gaming. IDK why am I not able to break out of this rut. It's like...I don't want to in the first place. You know, even today, I was supposed to start doing something...and all I did as that 'something' was wake up early and do 15 push-ups and 30 squats. Nothing apart from that, except gaming. No discipline, no control, nothing at all.

Now agreed that over the last 3 years, my mind has become a twisted, perverted and a corrupted entity to the point of being a burden on myself...but come on! I can't change for even one day??? Day-by-day, it goes on and on, I keep getting weaker in resisting my head. I keep saying, "Everything is relative and situational...all depends on your choices." and ironically...I fail to make the right choice. Which brings me to a question...

Why are we designed such that we prefer desires over morality? Oh, and by the way...I'm also starting to become a porn addict now. Great little addiction, I must say. Applausive on my part. Oh how I wish like exploding.

Somehow...making a choice seems to be a simple task here: Do your work and don't fuck up by procrastinating or other excuses. But why do I keep failing at the practical parts of it? Why am I just not able to break out of it?

Damn...I'm whining again. I fear failure and embarrassment, even after knowing it doesn't make a difference. And I keep being tempted to do the wrong things even after knowing I shouldn't. I don't know if I have the power to get out of it or if I will ever change or anything...but this sucks for sure.

Someone once said: Get disciplined, not motivated. Discipline means...doing what you should no matter what you feel or want. Right...that's simple. So what's the difficulty in it? The mind fights back and since the mind controls you, you become helpless. I can't maintain my motivation, I can't maintain my schedule, I can't maintain anything. It keeps going out of power every 10 minutes. I lack patience.

I still have 3 words in my head when things go wrong or not according to plans. They're: Tough it out. Right...but when I actually need them...I can't ever remember them. Now...I'm honestly going to get some super-glue, write down those words on a paper and stick it to my monitor, since that's the only thing I see in the day. Oh, wait...even if I read it repeatedly...I still choose the wrong thing. "Who would tough it out when I can play or dream for 5 more minutes?" Because doing the hard and the right feels bad. It never feels satisfactory to do the right thing. And when you're not content about things...you fail, which is exactly what happens.

I don't need to remember things...that is not the problem...problem is I need to get the right things embedded in my head so I don't have problems with life like this. How does one embed things? THere's many things...I learnt just once and they got embedded...and some things, I learn so many fucking times and I can't ever understand it.

Guess my problem lies in the fact that I had no person close to me. Been alone always...don't talk about parents, they're a major pain in the ass. And no one else either, with whom I could share things and express myself freely without them judging me and instead supporting and helping me. Let's just say I'm an emotionally crippled person. I'm not lonely...there's a lot of people around me. It's just that no one is close to the heart...close enough to be there with, for and by me no matter what. Someone I can call my own and someone who actually gives a shit about me. Loneliness isn't a big deal...I go out, loads of people to find in places desirable and undesirable...it's being alone which hurts.

Since this is the case...has someone got some tips for self-reliance...especially emotional self-reliance? I'm a hollow guy...in that a layer exists from the outside, but there's nothing inside, making me weak. So...someone got some advice for me so I can fill the hollow part up myself without having to rely on someone else?

OK...I shouldn't have whined, but I keep doing it...like I said...unable to break out of the rut. Right now...I know I should go out...but don't feel like going. Discipline matters and I may/may not enjoy going out. The failure to enjoy my trip makes me want to sit at home rather than accepting it as it is. See? Right now, I know this exactly, but when the time comes, none of this is in my head and I lose myself completely. I completely forget or never can think. ARGH!!!

So...cooling off...help appreciated.
"Everything is relative and situational...all depends on your choices" - EiRaSAdoyC.
User avatar
AMNeSia
Member
 
Posts: 48
Joined: Thu May 09, 2013 8:33 pm
Location: India


Re: AMNeSia's Diary...is it OK to make it?

Postby laroo on Tue Nov 26, 2013 1:55 pm

Hey bud,

I have a couple of suggestions for you.

First, try not to be too hard on yourself. If you feel you've got a problem with something - gaming, p0rn, whatever - then you are miles ahead of people with those same problems who don't even realize that there is a problem. That's a good thing. Give yourself a break when you think about these things.

Second, I've heard it said that it's hard to break a bad habit without replacing it with a good habit. So, instead of just thinking '"'m not going to do XYZ for the next hour," try replacing that thought with "instead of XYZ, I'm going to do ABC for the next hour and see how I feel after." This will take some of the pressure off of 'quitting,' and give you something constructive to do with your time. You may even start to get a sense of accomplishment after you've done this for even a single week. Think about it, that's only 7 hours out of your week, but at the end of the week, you may feel better about what you did in those 7 hours than any other time that week.

Third, well this may sound silly, but it has honestly helped many, many guys I know turn their lives around in a very good way. My suggestion is Kung Fu. Not Tae Kwon Do karate, but Chinese Kung Fu. Better yet, look for a Kajukenbo school. A lot of them will let you come and train for a couple of weeks before committing to the classes. If it's something that will help, you may find your parents willing to pay the tuition. Then, it all comes down to you.

Like anything new, it might seem uncomfortable at first. You may be out of shape. Maybe you've never hit somebody, or been hit, so physical contact may be intimidating. You might feel weak, uncoordinated and unskilled. That's everybody on day 1. Your sifu (teacher) will understand. Don't be embarrassed by it, and don't let it scare you away when day 1 kicks your butt.

I know a guy who started Kajukenbo weighing well over 300 pounds. If you can imagine a 300 pound guy doing kung fu, you'll get a sense of what day 1 was like for him. Not his finest hour. Today, he's a black belt, probably tops the scales at 160, and is one of the toughest MF'ers I know. Nicest guy you ever met. Works in the tech industry. What did he do before training? Played video games.

So Kung Fu is my suggestion. It isn't for everybody, and there's nothing wrong if it's not for you. But, if you really want to lose what you believe to be your bad habits, you need to find SOMETHING to replace them with. Weight training. Yoga. Underwater basket weaving. Whatever. The point is, you will have much greater success changing a bad habit by replacing it with a good habit.

Good luck friend!
Laroo
User avatar
laroo
Friend
 
Posts: 158
Joined: Mon Aug 03, 2009 10:20 am
Location: West Coast USA


Re: AMNeSia's Diary...is it OK to make it?

Postby AMNeSia on Wed Nov 27, 2013 2:51 am

Oh...I'm glad to see a reply finally.

Yea...first thing, I am too much of a perfectionist and impatient, so I do get too hard on myself. Lack of control makes me go that way, but I always strive to keep as cool as I can. Yep...realizing having a problem is better than not realizing. Will keep striving to take it slower in that way.

Second thing...yes. Replacement better than making a void. After all, voids do need to be filled or it makes you empty and hollow, so agreed with that. Empty mind's a devil's place (literally)...

As far as Kung Fu goes...oh I'd love to learn Kung Fu. I do prefer having self-defence and so on, but there's only 2 problems: First, no real teachers here. Honestly, all they teach is basic and not even half of what real Kung Fu is. Second...the fees are too high and I'm too broke. It gets difficult for my family to make ends meet sometimes. Not that they ever would mind; they themselves tell me that I should do whatever I want. But paying high fees for nothing is honestly out of sense. I've always wanted to learn this, but what can I do?

Of course, Kung Fu is not the only thing and like the other suggestions you gave, yes, I will replace the things I do with the things I want to/should be doing...of course, if I went to do all I wanted/should do, I'd fill my day completely, it's just that I keep making excuses for things...I guess turning a car is much easier than stopping it. Gives me something to think about and put to practice.

Thanks for the advice. Will put it to use immediately. Replacement better than a void.

Help appreciated.
"Everything is relative and situational...all depends on your choices" - EiRaSAdoyC.
User avatar
AMNeSia
Member
 
Posts: 48
Joined: Thu May 09, 2013 8:33 pm
Location: India


Re: AMNeSia's Diary...is it OK to make it?

Postby ginabean on Mon Dec 02, 2013 9:17 pm

Mate - you need to stop - with everything - right now. Stop and just BE for God's sake, just for a minute. Stop dishing out advice to everyone else, stop with the self analysis - you are so obsessive I am reluctant to feed it - for your own sake.

Maybe it's tough love I am dishing out, maybe you need to hear it, you can tell me to stick it where the sun don't shine, but I am trying to come from a really good place here. Take it for what it is - you don't know me, I don't know you, but I don't want you continuing on with the illusions you're under any more.

I'll be honest, I saw your posts and have been reluctant to post replies, firstly because I find some of what you say offensive, and secondly, you are looking for someone to assist your wallowing. I am hesitant to engage with you until you come clean, really clean with yourself, before you post comments providing other people with advice.

I think you have got a whole lot of growing up to do (you're young anyway, and it generally takes guys a few more years than girls). That empty hole you're frantically trying to cram anything and everything into to fill it up, maybe you need to leave it empty and look deep into it and acknowledge it. Then make an active choice to only start filling it with quality, one little thing at a time. I have found that an obsession is transferable - if you quit the games you will find something else to take their place.

You're a bright and intelligent young man who just needs a helluva dose of humility. You need to give a little to get a little. if you hate the PC that much, give it away to a charity and donate your time to teach others how to use it - that's quality and soul food and giving instead of being an emotional vampire. Do one good deed a day. Sacrifice one of your own wants a day, and give someone else one of theirs instead. It's not all about you, and that's the first thing you need to really really know.

Then, take time out to walk, think about nothing, just take joy in little things, the smell of a flower, the sound of the wind over the grass, whatever. When you can stop and appreciate something external to the goings on in your own head you may be in a better position to work out some of the chaos in your own head. You need to find humble before it finds you. Good luck.
ginabean
Friend
 
Posts: 127
Joined: Wed Mar 14, 2012 9:23 pm


Re: AMNeSia's Diary...is it OK to make it?

Postby ginabean on Tue Dec 03, 2013 4:14 am

It just struck me that perhaps I may have been a bit hard on you. You're so young and have zero life experience except you know what you don't want. I don't think you have a real idea of what you do want, except all your posts may be a cry for attention and help. It breaks my heart that you discount your parents so much. Remember, parents are just people, sometimes wrong, sometimes misguided, mostly tortured with the lack of knowledge and experience in learning how to deal with a teenager ( I assume you are in your teens still) who is struggling for independence, identity and to find a meaningful place in the world. With very rare exceptions, they are so conflicted themselves because as much as they love you, sometimes they just don't like you very much. Guaranteed you don't do much to help them with that. You are transitioning between developing an adult relationship with them, and that seldom comes without the associated pain. Some people never manage the transition, and always relate to their parents in a parent-child manner. As an adult, if you want respect, earn it. If you want someone to love, you need to be able to love and respect yourself enough to be able to give it, and not become an emotional vampire as I mentioned above. You also need to grow up enough not to require mothering from a potential partner. This means you need to start making active choices right now. I'm not saying it won't be hard. Your dealing with your own hormones, gaming, the realities of this world, and you will know you are maturing when you start realizing that you know less than you thought you did. When you get to a ripe old age you will know how very little you really do know. Hang in there. It gets better if you let it.
ginabean
Friend
 
Posts: 127
Joined: Wed Mar 14, 2012 9:23 pm


Re: AMNeSia's Diary...is it OK to make it?

Postby AMNeSia on Tue Dec 03, 2013 9:26 am

Well...yes...I did get offended at first...almost felt like being vengeful and dishing out a whole lot of words to you for saying all that. Yea, I'm a bit...out of place, I agree.

Here, I want to clear out things. Whatever I've said to date has been my experience till that specific time. Yes, I am young with zero life experience. But whatever I do have, I say according to that. I agree, I'm a chatterbox and dish out advice. It's not because I'm obsessed...it's just that I care. I don't want others to have the same problems I do. I feel that if I can help someone, I am at least doing some good. Yes, I'm offensive, but I don't mince words. I put it as straight as I can. If someone finds that offensive, then how can I help? My perspective is crap, I agree...but if someone gets offended by mere words, then aren't they who lack tolerance?

I'm really sorry if I sound offensive here. I just had an argument with a dear friend day-before-yesterday over something I said and she took an offence to and I'm still feeling guilty about that to the extent I've stopped talking and just keep it as less as I can. I don't want to offend anyone and the truth is the truth. If I'm offensive, then yes...that's how I am. I agree that I should stop wallowing, but my way of talking is that way. I behave to others as they behave to me, so if someone finds me offensive, they either have offended me, or I'm just talking that way out of a habit built up because of others.

Still, I accept responsibility...ranging from what I talk to what I do to how I live my life. I will strive to take as much responsibility as I can about my words...what and how I speak...but I am NOT responsible for how someone takes it because it's their perspective and if they have some doubts about what I say, they're free to contact me and demand clarification. If I'm wrong, I'll apologize, if not, then it's upto them. But I will NOT mince words just because someone can't handle the truth. I agree, even I haven't been able to handle, but now I do. Apologies for any offence again, but this is how I am. Striving to change as much as I can.

So yes, I did find it hard, but I'm not going to cry, whine or complain about it. The world won't give a shit about what I feel, so better tough love than loving crap.

Now...back to the post. Yea, I do live under illusions and I don't want to either, so I agree with that point. I also need humility, so agreed. Too much ego hurts. I do need my ego broken, which is why I'm forcing myself to accept it as it is instead of cry, whine or complain. I accept the responsibility of it...I'm responsible, no one else is.

As far as being an emotional vampire goes...yes, I guess I am one. You're saying it isn't just about me, but it's about others too. Doing a good deed for others...sacrificing my own wants and giving someone theirs...right.

Well...I'm not a charity organisation. I did care for people. I did care for my parents. I did care for people I called friends. I cared for that friend I ended up offending a couple of days ago. I also cared for someone I loved.

What did I get in return? Indifference? Yes, I'm beginning to sound a bit angry here, but I'll keep my tone down because I am responsible for my words and also responsible for reducing the offence as much as I can on my part, but the truth is what it is. I got indifference. My parents didn't give a shit about what I felt. They just fulfilled my material needs and that's it. People I considered as friends turned out to be cheap-stake morons who insulted and berated me for what I am instead of accepting me. I got made an alien out of because I didn't fit in THEIR view of what's right and wrong and acceptable and not. THEY were indifferent...I cared. I still care and that's why I give out advice. My advice isn't food to be dished out, consumed, flushed down the WC and done. I'm not giving advice because I'm obsessed...I'm giving advice because I care and I don't want others to be in the same self-victimized and self-created shit I am in. I do care.

I cared too much...that's why I don't care anymore. I'm selfish because all people have done is hurt me. I am not going to discount the help people have given. Yes, people have helped me much too. I am really grateful to all that have been a part in my life...whether positive or negative. Everyone has taught me something or the other...everyone has helped me...by either being a dear friend or being a moron in my life...and I'm extremely grateful. But people have hurt me much. They've hurt me, ranging from small arguments to life-changing fights. I did care and they hurt. Back then, I didn't have the experience to know that the world is not my friend or my enemy, but now I do.

Being hurt a lot, I've changed. I'm NOT a charity organisation out to help others. I help myself and my family, that's enough for me. I'm NOT free for others just so I can go out and get hurt by morons again. I admit, I suck at knowing people for what they are, but not anymore. I'm still open to helping others, but only as much as I feel right to. I'm still one who does care for others and does like helping. I do feel happy when I help others, when I make others happy. I feel like I at least did something worth doing. But most of the time, people have hurt me and I'm not going to be about others. It's just me and the people I carefor and the people who care for me. Family, work, self and life are the only 4 things which matter to me. Nothing else. Life isn't about just me...but MY life is just about me and what matters to me and that is a priority.

Yes, I did wallow in self-pity. I did cry, whine and complain over my own faults. And I have wanted someone...but not to wallow, but support me so I can live my life better. But not anymore. I've learnt that there's no one available. I did keep wallowing because I wanted someone, but seeing as there's no one, I'm going to start by replacing people with other things. I am going to replace others with me. I'm going to replace the vying for others...the enjoyment I 'would' get with others with vying for myself and how I can make my own life better. I am still open to people, but I need to look at myself first, then allow others in. If I don't know my own house, I can't let others in.

Yes, I do need to keep the void empty, acknowledge it and fill it with quality. It is difficult, but that's how it is and I'm responsible for my own self. I am 19...so not quite a teen. And yes, maybe science and you and others may say that boys take more than girls to mature, I feel that it all depends on your conditioning...how much knowledge and experience you have and what atmosphere you've lived in. Years ago, there was this article in the newspaper about a 7 year old boy being the CEO of a company...and a CEO is not an easy thing to be. I myself say women are better than men at things both are capable of, but it all comes down to your perspective and situations. Perspective depends on your experience, knowledge and conditioning...and situations are just what they are.

Yes, being ignored by many people, I have become an attention seeker, but my posts have never been that way. I've always posted in my senses. Agreed, I may have ranted without sense, but I've NEVER desired attention from anyone when posting. I've just sought help.

As far as my parents go...that's another topic. In short, they've been indifferent to what I feel and never let me feel comfortable about anything...even expressing myself and now...I run into troubles. Agreed, they did what they could of their own knowledge and experience...but it's not just the teenage which has suffered. They've been this way since I remember my existence, so teenage is not the only thing responsible, if it even is. I wanted emotional support and got none. Call it wallowing or desire for support, they have been wrong and at fault and as much as I am responsible for my mess, they're responsible for the failures they did when I was growing (and still am). It has come to the point where there's no relationship left. They're just 2 people in my life who've been labeled as a mom and a dad. Nothing more. At least not for me and it'll never be. I may come to terms with them, but what is, is and it'll stay that way.

As far as needing mothering from a partner goes...I'm starting to lose the want for a partner. I'm my own mom and dad and son and brother and whatever you call. In a way, partners also somewhat take over the role of parents in that they care for you as much and fulfill your needs. Since I become a burden on others, I'd rather just replace people with myself. I'm going to change myself, that apart from money and some things...I'm not going to be dependent on others for supporting me. I know...I'm barely able to control my desire to go all out on words and become offensive, but I'm responsible for my words and I will strive to be as less offensive as I can be.

Now...knowledge and experience. I know the fact that I don't know anything, it's just that my ego makes me feel like I'm the greatest person, so I agree with you on the humility part. I need a massive does of humility. But apart from that and the wrong things I am doing, this is what I am. Offensive, rude, pain in the ass...whatever you call. I've had people call me a lot of things and it's nothing new. This is what I am...it's my nature and I'm not going to mince words to adapt to specific perspectives. If someone wants me to adapt to them, they also need to accept me as I am. Where I'm wrong, I won't deny. Yes, I do cry, whine and complain, seek attention, have too much ego. I am wrong there and will strive to change it. But for other things...this is how I am. It's just me being me.

Yes, I know less. I don't know much, but I strive to use what I do know. I do what I can. I have a limit to what I can do. Agreed, in a way, I haven't even touched the feel of my limits, but in another way, I've exhausted myself out of things. Things do take a toll on me and I'm tired. At 19, yes, I am tired and it does take me a lot to change little. I am weak and not significant in any way. But this is what I am.

Still...I am responsible for myself. I will strive to change myself as much as I can...I accept the responsibility. I wasn't taught to accept responsibility by my parents and I'm not the all-knowing God who's supposed to already know that I have responsibilities and am supposed to follow them. No one ever taught me lessons of life, not even my parents...which is also one of the reasons I hate them. I do lack in experience because no one ever gave me any or had me do something which gave me experience. Everyone has a specific way they understand it. My way has become that I can't take it hard, because of my ego. For example...what Laroo said was easy enough to grasp and I really appreciated his advice, while what you said made me angry because you went all out on me without knowing who and what I am. I am not offended because I have promised myself that I will not be offended by the truth or anything else. And you did the best of how you could make it out, but so have I.

What I am right now is the result of the life I've lived. I made the best I could of whatever knowledge and experience I got. I made the best of things I could which my parents and others should have taught me but didn't and I got to learn much later. You can call me a late-learner because when I was supposed to learn...no one was there to teach me and I did not have the experience or knowledge to either learn myself or know that I should. I just did the best I could of things. I am a failure at life...but there was no one to help me know what was right and wrong. I made my own morality because no one helped me know what morality was. When I did learn, it was all my effort and too late.

So...yep, I do have to change and no, I will not go CWC (Cry, Whine, Complain) or blame others or be a burden on others...and I DON'T need someone else to help me wallow, I need someone to help me live, but I guess self-reliance is the only way. As it is...why be dependent on others...I'm better of self-dependent for such things. Agreed I'm growing legs later than I should have, but if I knew to do so earlier, would I be in this state now?

No more wallowing, CWC or blaming anyone else. I'm to blame because I'm responsible. I accept my own responsibility and I'll change. If someone helps, I appreciate, if they don't, then not a problem. This post became long, sorry for that, also apologies for being offensive, but this is my nature. This is how I am made and this is how I will be. I am going to strive to be humble and be responsible, but at the end...I'm not perfect. I will accept others as they are but am not responsible for someone else's perspective since that's their responsibility. As far as the advice goes, I will give advice because I want to help people. They can take my advice if they want or let it go. I am not forcing it on anyone. If someone has a problem with my posting, they're free to contact me. Administrators and Ops are free to tell me to remove my posts if I'm wrong. Other than that...I want to help and I will help as much as I can/as much as I see fit.

Apologies for any offence and gratitude for tolerating me. Thanks for your advice...I'll do what I can to change.
"Everything is relative and situational...all depends on your choices" - EiRaSAdoyC.
User avatar
AMNeSia
Member
 
Posts: 48
Joined: Thu May 09, 2013 8:33 pm
Location: India


Re: AMNeSia's Diary...is it OK to make it?

Postby laroo on Tue Dec 03, 2013 5:06 pm

Hi Amnesia,

If there is one thing I have learned (and that's a BIG if), it's that you don't have to figure it all out right away. Try to take things one step at a time. And, give yourself some credit where it is due. At 19, I didn't give a sh!t about anybody's opinion but my own - you are miles ahead of where I was at your age. You seem like an inquisitive, insightful young person who is genuinely trying to make a better place of the world you're in. That, sir, is awesome. Don't be too hard on yourself, don't try to figure it all out at once, and if you make a mistake or two along the way, consider that an opportunity to learn. I know it probably sounds like a bunch of smoke, but seriously, you are very young and have a long life ahead of you to learn, to grow, to become the person you want to be.

Best,
Laroo
User avatar
laroo
Friend
 
Posts: 158
Joined: Mon Aug 03, 2009 10:20 am
Location: West Coast USA


Re: AMNeSia's Diary...is it OK to make it?

Postby ginabean on Sun Dec 08, 2013 10:10 pm

Dear Amnesia

Thank you for putting the time and effort into your very long response. I know it took a lot of time and effort and gut wrenching honesty to try to address the stuff I flung at you. I'm so sorry you felt so unsupported and alone through all of this. I acknowledge your pain for being genuine, and your seeking attention as a cry for help. Do you have any access to conselling at all? Sounds like you could really benfit from the assistance of a profession to help untangle all of that pain, and you are more than ready to start working through it. Please just try to take time out to be quiet in your own head, research meditation techniques, I agree with Laroo in a way, I think eastern techniques regardless of the school all have some component of mental and spitiual; maybe even yoga may help - breathing is a good thing. A big hug to you - we may not always like each other, we may not always like what the other has to say, but we have all felt pain and loneliness, and that cannot be denied. Welcome to the family.
ginabean
Friend
 
Posts: 127
Joined: Wed Mar 14, 2012 9:23 pm


Re: AMNeSia's Diary...is it OK to make it?

Postby AMNeSia on Mon Feb 10, 2014 6:11 am

Well...having said too much, I felt like an ass and never replied. Apologies for that and...well, just nothing more to say apart from being grateful and appreciating you people reading my response and replying. Thanks for that.
"Everything is relative and situational...all depends on your choices" - EiRaSAdoyC.
User avatar
AMNeSia
Member
 
Posts: 48
Joined: Thu May 09, 2013 8:33 pm
Location: India


Re: AMNeSia's Diary...is it OK to make it?

Postby ginabean on Thu Feb 20, 2014 10:52 pm

Hey Amnesia, how are you doing these days - are you starting to get a balance in your life yet? What plans do you have for the year?
ginabean
Friend
 
Posts: 127
Joined: Wed Mar 14, 2012 9:23 pm


Re: AMNeSia's Diary...is it OK to make it?

Postby AMNeSia on Fri Mar 21, 2014 12:09 am

Sorry...haven't been coming here at all since my last reply. Balance...nah. It's more unbalanced. As far as gaming goes, I'm bored and playing for more than an hour or 2 is easy, but feels like too much already, so threw the games out except Counter-Strike, since games from Valve's Half-Life and CS don't get me addicted ever. And I can pass some time or let time pass some of me. These days, I'm dealing with my dissociation and maladaptive daydreaming, which have gone from bad to worse to making me out of order. So...let's say I've just increased in being a burden on others and myself and pretty broken. All my fault, so no one else to blame, but being alone is a bit of a...challenge which I'm not much willing to take.

How's it going with you all?
"Everything is relative and situational...all depends on your choices" - EiRaSAdoyC.
User avatar
AMNeSia
Member
 
Posts: 48
Joined: Thu May 09, 2013 8:33 pm
Location: India


Re: AMNeSia's Diary...is it OK to make it?

Postby ginabean on Fri Mar 21, 2014 2:13 am

I'm sorry to hear things aren't so good. Do you have any interests other than gaming? You strike me as a highly intelligent person with varied interests that may have been put away for a while? Maybe go museum cruising, do some alternative thatre? Something to to get you out of your zone?
ginabean
Friend
 
Posts: 127
Joined: Wed Mar 14, 2012 9:23 pm



Return to Sort Yourself Out - The REHAB Room

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 2 guests