Sorry if this goes long - I tend to ramble. For me, drinking was really something that I carried over from my youth. I don't know what I was trying to accomplish, but I know it left me lagging behind in the 'growing up' department. I've been scrambling for the past five years, though, and I thought I was making some progress.
Last night I began to look at my wife's WoW obsession from a different angle, from the view of addiction. She had been in a 5-man instance for the better part of the night. I can't talk to her when she's in the middle of these runs with her headphones on, so I logged on around 11:00 to ask her if she'd be playing much longer. She wrote back and said about another hour. So I wrote back and said ok, let me know when you are done. Around 12:20, I logged on again and asked how much longer she'd be playing, and she said about another hour. I was almost ready to let it go...but I didn't. Perhaps unwise, but the whole situation has been irking me something fierce and I've been losing sleep over it. I couldn't let it go, I was so tired of waiting around for her to make an effort to make time for me. So I started a dialogue with her through pst (not guild chat, ha ha). I began by just telling her that I've tried to get her to spend some time with me, and that it bothered me how she could set aside 30-40+ hours/week for her guild, but none for me. We had a short back-and-forth where a little progress was made and she seemed to understand where I was coming from, but then she got defensive and I could tell she just wanted me to leave her alone. Dummy that I am, I couldn't let it go at that. So I made my way to the bedroom where she was playing, sat down and continued the conversation. Not an 'intervention' - I was just tired of being ignored.
Our conversation continued, sometimes pleasant and sometimes heated, for the next 2 hours as they wiped repeatedly on the last boss. I guess I'm a jerk because I knew I was distracting her from her game, but I simply couldn't care less about the game at that point. When they called it quits with their unsuccessful attempts around 2:30, our conversation continued and unfortunately grew more heated. The bottom line is our anger stems from resentments from years past and this obsession of hers is some kind of symptom of that. I thought we'd put a lot of that stuff behind us. Now, this may sound funny or egotistical or stupid to some people, but in the past 5 years I feel like I have done a lot to work with those kinds of issues, and I don't throw the past up in anybody's face. Unfortunately my wife has never gone through a life-changing chapter of recovery where you learn how to deal with these things, and the next thing I know the corpses of 16-year-old episodes spring back to life. Turns out she has never actually forgiven me or gotten over even the slightest of slights from our past. So many things I thought long-dead came back to haunt me.
The situation only deteriorated from there. She felt unloved and unwanted, she said, and in her guild she feels wanted. Doesn't matter how many times or ways I'd tried to get her to spend time with me, it turns out everything is simply my fault and according to her has been all along. I owned up to some of what she was saying and disagreed with her where I thought she was off base. The only flaw that she would even semi-own up to was that she maybe enjoyed playing WoW a little too much, but that she had very good reasons for obsessing over it as she does. She was not in the mood to accommodate any resolution so she simply justified everything. Everything was my fault, and my feelings were my problem. In my infinite wisdom, I proceeded to fan the flames of an argument until it blew up in my face.
And blow up it did. A little backstory, only 3 months ago we talked about divorce, and we agreed at that time to work on ourselves and our marriage together. Not much has changed since then. So the subject came back up last night and we both agreed that we were miserable living this way. I felt that I've owned up to a significant part of my character flaws while getting nothing but resistance and bile from her, and we agreed that it may be time to call it quits. We talked about how that would work from that point of view - that we had nothing left to work out or take/cast blame for, nothing but the logistics of how a divorce would work out. We spent a good amount of time on that. Finally got to sleep around 4:30. We slept in the same room, which has become something of an oddity. I had simply had enough and so, apparently, had she. This wasn't an off-the-cuff decision, it's been rolling around in both of our heads for a long time (in her case, longer.) She was trading me in for a video game.
It is a weird feeling having a conversation that horrible and at the end of it feeling as if someone has removed a huge weight from your shoulders. But that's how it felt. I slept well for the 2 hours of sleep I got. Even after weighing out how this will affect our younger and older kids, how I hated my own father for leaving, etc. etc. etc., that weight that's been on me was gone. Weird.
And then, this morning, it comes back up like a damn specter. Via e-mail from our workplaces (which is never a good idea), the conversation continued. Turns out that even though divorce was her idea in the first place, if I walk out it is still my fault and I'm to blame for leaving. I reminded her how I was the one who wanted to work it out. Blah blah blah. Result: We're going to take a weekend away from everything, get out of town together and try to work it out. It's a good idea. I never wanted to leave my wife in the first place, but I had already been getting to that point, and being told again and again how literally everything wrong with my marriage is my fault had simply taken it's toll.
It's a good thing, though far from a resolved issue. We have a lot of work ahead of us, we've let the whole thing go so far south. I love my wife dearly even if she sometimes drives me absolutely crazy. Hey, I'm no prize.