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Hello...

So I guess I just needed somewhere to vent and stumbled upon this site and decided it's perfect. So forgive me if it seems abrupt to join and jump write into the source of my unhappiness. But at the same time it looks like several of you can probably relate...

I'd rather not give my real name just in case anyone else in the family were to somehow stumble upon this site and recognize me..so I'll just go by my username..

So... I've been married to my husband about 2 and a half years now... we're both pretty young but due to some extenuating circumstances we had to get married earlier than expected. I always say that I would have eventually married him anyway, so the decision to get married wasn't for the wrong reasons...that it just came earlier than it would have otherwise. Now I'm not so sure...

He and I met on an online dating site, which for me was mainly due to curiosity. But from talking on line it really seemed like we had a lot in common and we really liked each other and understood each other. And he cared about me, which was something I was not getting in the place I was at, at the time. So it was really easy to fall for him.

Now, before I even begin, I want to say that he is a VERY good guy. He is very easy going and relaxed, and I don't think he'd ever hurt a fly. We share the same values and morals in life and in a lot of ways I could have done a LOT worse. In fact part of why I do still want things to work out is because I don't think I could find a better guy.

But at the same time, I feel kind of cheated. Not by him, really...not like on purpose... but, when I decided to get involved with him, I did not know what it meant to be a "gamer." I knew he was a gamer, but I didn't know what that meant. I really had not been exposed to anyone as serious about it as him, and I played a few games myself, so to me, "gamer" just meant perhaps someone who played video games but just more frequently than I did. I didn't realize it was more of a WAY OF LIFE, or that it could ever be so...destructive, I guess. And for the first year or so I knew him, I had no way of knowing how bad it would get, because we were both in a place where we didn't have access to being online much at all. Then when we moved back to where we currently are, there wasn't much opportunity for it for a while, and he had a job, so it really wasn't that disrupting.

Then, last January (2010), he got laid off from his job. And it was ok for a while, but after a couple of months, it started to get old. He and I are two very different types of people in a lot of ways. I am a very goal-oriented, get-things-done, take-care-of-business type person... and he's...well...not. It's difficult to motivate him. He wasn't getting a job because he wasn't trying very hard to find one. He kept making excuses like that he didn't know what he wanted to do and didn't have a college education, and that filling out paper applications took him hours because they had to be done in pen and he made mistakes, yadda yadda yadda. Things that most people would buck up and get over. So his version of job searching was to sit at home and go to a few websites and do online applications, but never go in in person. I'd come home all the time and have to ask him if he'd really been doing applications, and on the days he'd say yes, it had only been maybe one or two. This went on. And on. And on. There were times when I'd come home and be so desperate and eager and sick of his whining about paper applications that I'd sit down at the computer and fill out applications in a pdf editor and print them and have him sign them. This was after working 9 hours each day and having to take care of most of the housework IF it got done... Usually I could get him to wash the towels and dishes and take out the trash but only after reminding him like 10 times. I'd also make lists of things around the house that needed to get done but every time I'd come home there'd always be at least one thing he "forgot" to do or had an excuse for not doing.

Anyway, long story short, March of this year I got sick of it (he had not worked at all since last January) and one night I did some photocopy doctoring with one of his old resumes for a deli near where we live, printed it, had him sign it, typed him up a cover letter, had him sign it, and had him go turn it in the next day. He got the job. So now he's at least working, but he's still only working part time and getting half the hours I'm getting, as well as making exactly half what I'm making per hour. So basically I'm still bringing in four times as much money as he is.

I forgot to mention it earlier but gaming plays a big role in this. I know part of it is because he grew up more out in the country where there was more to do...always able to feed chickens or practice archery or go four wheeling, or hiking, or having to do chores like mowing grass and chopping down trees. But we moved into the city not long after getting married, and I really feel that that has been a big part of the problem. I think he feels lost, like he does not know what to do, and like gaming is his only opportunity for entertainment. Whenever I ask him to quit gaming, he always asks incredulously, "And what would I be doing if I weren't gaming?" All in all, it's not that I mind him gaming SOMETIMES, as long as it doesn't interfere with his real life. But the problem is, he doesn't seem to have the capability to game that way. I have come to completely hate online games because they suck him in for hours and since they are played with other people and you can't pause... he can't leave them quickly. And he gets sucked in and forgets things, all the time. Like tonight...the thing that sort of drove me to look online for someone I could related to about this problem, is the fact that I went out to Lowes trying to find some shelving material for a project that needs to be done... he did not want to come with me because he wanted to have a chance to game before he went to work... and I had a REALLY bad day while I was out. I had asked him before I left to do TWO things for me before he went to work. I wanted him to take out the trash, and take out a pile of cardboard boxes to the trash shed because I had cleared them out and they were in the way. I even reminded him right before I left. I pleaded with him not to forget because I'd be doing some work in the house when I got back and needed them not to be in the way. And when I got home, he was gone to work, but of course, the boxes and trash were still right in their place. I started crying and felt like screaming. I just don't know if I can take any more of this.

I thought about uninstalling all the games on his computer, but I know it would just make things worse... At any rate, it was completely demotivational and now I'm not going to get ANYTHING done because it just ruined the rest of my day. Oh, and he's gained about 100 pounds since I met him...because he was doing nothing but sitting and gaming.

I'm just so sick of it. I'm sick of him and his stupid headset talking to his stupid "online friends" in gamespeak that I cannot understand all the time. I'm sick of having him say something and responding to it as if it were to me, only to realize he was talking to someone in game. I'm sick of repeating myself 80,000 times because he's not listening, and having him get grumpy anytime I ask him to do anything. I need a break. I want to get an apartment by myself and do an informal "trial separation" to give us some time apart, but I can't afford it because all the apartments I could find would take up all of my income with nothing leftover to live on. I want to give him the ultimatum of "me or the games," but I know that he knows I'd never leave, and that even if he gave them up for a while, he'd still be right back at it later on. I have thought about leaving, but I do still love him and I don't think I'd be any better off without him. Thing is, I have issues with patience and anger sometimes and there are things about me that I'm not sure another guy would put up with anyway...but that's besides the point. It's not like it's an option anyway... I'd have no place to stay and no vehicle if I left, so even if I really knew I wanted to go, I'd still be stuck here. But that doesn't stop me from feeling like strangling him sometimes.

When I try to talk to him about this, he always says something like that I knew he was a gamer when I married him, or that I'm trying to "change him." It's not just the gaming...it's his whole outlook. The not being able to focus...the constantly forgetting things... it's like he's stuck between here and fantasy land. Like he's out of touch with reality. He says that's "just who he is" as if it were an excuse, and fails to realize that the real world doesn't work like that. I find myself wondering what life would have been like for him if I hadn't married him, when he eventually had to move out from under his parents' roof? Would he have matured, or just continued to make excuses? Who would pay the bills? Would his laundry even be done? I don't know if he could function in life on his own. But at the same time I wish he somehow HAD to so that he might be FORCED to mature. I don't know... I'm told around 26 guys start to mature so maybe I'll hold out until then, only a couple more years. But I feel like I'm at a breaking point. I have some issues of my own and adding this to the top of it isn't helping me mentally. I feel like I'm going crazy and about to crack. I want to get a therapist just to have someone to talk to about everything but I can't afford it. And lately I've been getting angry about little things (not being able to find things and stupid little everyday annoyances like that) and screaming and acting irrationally about them and he says things like "you need mental help" and stuff... which doesn't help... Even if I'm overreacting to things, it would help if he would at least try to understand WHY I might feel so stressed and so irritable. He HAS to realize that I used to not be this way, doesn't he? You'd think the pattern would be easily recognizeable... and that as more builds on me and more things stress me out, the more close I come to a breaking point... I don't know... I don't think he does notice. Because when I point out any of his problems (the gaming, the not focusing, the constant forgetting stuff because he's stuck in fantasy world), all he does is point back at MY problems (getting angry over annoyances, basically) as if I have no right to say anything to him. But from my perspective, my problems are greatly magnified by his, and I know that if he would cooperate some and stop being so in denial and so UNWILLING to work on his problems, then I would be less irritable.

Anyway... just needed somewhere to vent... I wish I could be completely independent and have the option of giving him the ultimatum...but then again, it might be a good thing that I couldn't be on my own right now, because that might make it too easy for me, if I could... I might have already given up and left by now. This past year has been that rough. And I think he has no idea, because that's how blind he seems to be. It doesn't matter how much I try to talk to him or how unhappy I obviously am, it's like he has no idea what's the matter. A few months back I was going through this phase of just bursting into tears out of nowhere and crying for hours... he'd ask what was wrong and I couldn't answer because I didn't want to hurt him... but the reason I was crying was because I felt trapped in this marriage, with a husband who refused to change. Still, you'd think the tears would be a hint to him that SOMETHING was wrong that he could try to fix. But nope... he'd just come back to his games. Don't get me wrong, I HAVE talked to him about the gaming, and when that didn't work, even gone off about it several times. I just don't think he realizes that it is the SOURCE of my unhappiness...that it's bringing me down, every day...that he's killing me off little by little with it. I tried to talk to him about it a few months back and I said something like "I wish we would have waited a little longer before getting married" and he immediately got completely upset and depressed and when I asked what was wrong, he was like "You just said you wished you didn't marry me" or something... so I know to tell him all of how I really feel would probably break his heart. So I feel like I'm making a sacrifice because I love him. At the same time, I don't feel like it's fair to me to keep holding all of this in. It's part of what's making me so miserable and irritable I think... just...trying not to hurt him. God, I wish things were simpler. It makes things worse when I meet guys who have a sense of adventure, who like to do and try new things, and stuff... because I wish MY husband could be like that. But nope...he complains when we even have to go anywhere. I almost considered asking if we could have an "open relationship" so that I could find what I need elsewhere, but I know that's not the answer. I just need him to change his behavior and man up...and if that's something he can't do...then I think I was mistaken about him being "the one." But either way, it's not like I have options..

anyway...thanks for listening...sorry for being so... blah....

I'm sorry for everything you're going through. The problem is that he doesn't see a problem with his gaming. It's one thing to be a gamer, gaming can be a lifestyle but it doesn't have to be. Many gamers have full lifes outside of the games they play, but some people like your husband (and me haha) can't handle playing online games. But because he thinks that he isn't doing anything wrong, he's not going to change anytime soon. You can yell, scream, issue ultimatums but if he thinks that he isn't doing anything wrong he's just going to feel like you're attacking him and getting in the way of his hobbies.

So what should you do? IMO, tell him how you feel. Tell him how sick you are of everything. If he ignores you or doesn't think anything needs to change you have to make a choice. You can either hope that he one days wakes up and smells the coffee and suffer in the meantime, or you can move on. He might be a good guy, but he's not acting like one or treating you the way you need and should be treated. No matter how hard it would be to leave him, if he won't change you're the only one who is suffering.

Accept the things you cannot change.

I was also 18, when I started my marriage and family. Now twenty years later, I watch my 39 yr old child play.

You know what makes him happy? Video games. Playing co-op with his friends.

Would I rather have him sit with me to keep me happy, and him be miserable? How fair is that? And how long would that last?

I found it is easier, to accept, and even encourage when he is down.

I am a gamer wife, that does not game. But I have friends that complain all the time about men that do.

My hubby hears on the headset, other wives that yell so loud for their hubbies to get offline. It's embarrassing. He is happy that I don't nag and complain.

Over the years, the playing online went from every day, to only Sunday with his friends. His choice.

You will never be able to force your will, without making him feel like a "little boy being scolded for playing outside in the mud too long" They can't handle it, and they shut down.

Better for you to smile, and enjoy.

Abutterflyloves, I am sorry but I have to totally disagree.

When you were raising your children the internet wasn't around to play 24/7. I am your age so I know. The internet and mmorps didn't really hit until about 6 years ago.

That means that you would have had a partner to spend time with, help raise your kids and build a life with.

My ex gamed for 80 hours a week. And you know what? In the beginning I didn't yell either. I actually tried to play with him. To understand what he loved. Got me nowhere.

If you had read any of these posts and what the board was about you would realise it is not about casual gamimg. Or a hobby. Many of the partners game too. One of our Mods plays WOW, one of the owners plays games.

This is about being addicted to gaming. To game ALL the god damn time. About ignoring your kids to play, ignoring a job to game, losing your health to game. And yet still they do it.

What right does a parent have to ignore their kids to play a frickin game? Sure you can handle it and that's fine, but a child? A child is meant to feel less than a game???

This forum is for gaming addicts not gamers. There is a big difference. And maybe those women screaming at their husbands have sick kids (one woman here has a child with Cancer), maybe they are about to lose their house because he has lost another job to gaming, maybe after 20 years she has just had enough. maybe she is plain exhausted after working 50 hours a week and him doing nothing and has come home to do EVERYTHING that he promised he would do but was gaming instead cause he games so much he can't hold down a job, Maybe he has punched her in the face or choked her so he can continue gaming. Those last 2 are mine.

Hi, I am Pat..I am glad that you can smile & enjoy.Myself I can't. Also I am much older than most people on here. Just as you, I love my man, but I resent his constant gaming. He recently retired and plays as much as 12-15hrs seven days a week.We go out once a week for a quick meal for about an hour.Then we have to get home and back to his game. I am very depressed and cry alot. No human should play second to a stupid online game.Still here in this insanity because at present I can't afford to support myself. Your young. Is this what you want for the rest of your life? I pray that I can find a way out. Thanks for letting me vent. Good Luck

I feel you I really do.. and at the moment you completely feel like you've lost hope but maybe if we looked at the circumstances it'll be easier to understand the situation.

I hope that maybe you'll read this someday and I hope even more that one day you'll be 'readytolaugh' at the folly of the past.
Summary and suggestions: (what you said: advice)

• You love him and willing to give him a chance: Means you shouldn't give up on him, don't think about doing it!
• Hubby is very good and easy going BUT lethargic: Him not wanting to find a job or go on tasks like go out with you to get shelving material are most likely because he's replaced it with one in-game task. He's justified it in his mind that because you 'payed' for a gamer you're gonna get one. Afraid something that deep in his mind is very hard to change.
• He doesn't have the capability to control himself if he plays: I am so glad you said this because THIS is what he needs to find for himself. Once he figures this out it will be much easier for you to talk to him. Guide him gently through this (sit next to him and maybe read an article on MMO addiction, maybe? ~ depends from person to person what makes them tick)
  
• Around 26 guys start to mature: do not run at all by this assumption because it might be a very nasty pitfall. Maturity 'gaming-wise' depends alot from person to person; my lecturer used to game from 22 through till 30 where I started gaming at 19 and I'm now ending it at 20. Do not assume he is going to mature at all by himself or even at all!!

He seems like a wonderful person who is just misguided at the moment by a completely new world where he can be someone he doesn't look like and chat to strangers all over the world, he might be pressured by his WoW friends to do task 'X' for certain hours and particularly because he feels like he has obligations to them.

best wishes darlin',
Ishan

he might be pressured by his WoW friends to do task 'X' for certain hours and particularly because he feels like he has obligations to them

See, this is what gets my goat. (and not you Ishfish)

So they give in to strangers to do something but ignore their kids?

They feel they have an obligation to the strangers but not to their partner?

Doesn't that sound completely f**ked up to anyone else?

They are people you only know by text that comes up on a screen or by voice if you use vent. Yet they control more command over you because you know little of their circumstances and thus you assume that you are always needed to be available (having this feeling in mind for sometime makes it feel like they're more than strangers). The feeling towards family and those you love are usually like 'aww but I can always talk to them in a bit/ I see them everyday anyway'.

This forum has extremely transitions forms of the above.

Your life is an exact duplicate of mine. My hubby has always been what I call a computer nerd. Until about 2 years ago. He started playing an online game ''TOON TOWN'. Ofcourse he plays with other gamers(mainly women). He had what is referred to in today's terms as an online or emotional affair. The witch broke it off in May of last year. I know he still has contact with her(cell & yahoo chat window)have caught him & he still does it. He also has a another female player that he calls a good bit. As each new day begins, I pray I can find the courage to move on with a man that wants to live a real life not a fantasy life. Tired of being depressed and crying alot. I have whined enough. Good Luck...Hope you find the courage to move on.***LIFE IS SHORT FIND YOUR HAPPY ENDING***